What’s Next? Two-Ply Need Not Apply

Posted September 24th, 2009 at 2.11pm in Enterprise and Free Markets.

First they came for your car. Then for your cheeseburger. Now those crazy environmentalists want to control how you wipe. No really. The Washington Post reports:

There is a battle for America’s behinds.

It is a fight over toilet paper: the kind that is blanket-fluffy and getting fluffier so fast that manufacturers are running out of synonyms for “soft” (Quilted Northern Ultra Plush is the first big brand to go three-ply and three-adjective).

It’s a menace, environmental groups say — and a dark-comedy example of American excess.

The reason, they say, is that plush U.S. toilet paper is usually made by chopping down and grinding up trees that were decades or even a century old. They want Americans, like Europeans, to wipe with tissue made from recycled paper goods.

So stock up while you can America, because Al Gore and Nancy Pelosi are coming after your bathroom. Again.

Author: Conn Carroll
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25 Comments

September 24, 2009 Bill San Antonio TX writes:

Maybe we should be mandated to use sand paper!

No. That wouldn’t work. It would result in more visits to the emergency room and drive up health care costs.

Oops! That’s not a problem. Government health care will cut costs, provide health care to everyone, and will pay for itself - I forgot.

September 24, 2009 » Financial News Update – 09/24/09 NoisyRoom.net: Where liberty dwells, there is my country… writes:

[...] What’s Next? Two-Ply Need Not Apply [...]

September 24, 2009 matthew queens, ny writes:

this is so sad. so many important issues in the world and this is what these nuts are worried about. actually some of them are against all toilet paper. if they succeed in this crusade of theirs; watchout they are also opppose to the flush toilet!

September 24, 2009 Bill San Antonio TX writes:

Maybe we could start using dog scoop bags.

September 24, 2009 RD Henderson, Nv writes:

That BS about cutting down old trees is pure AA grade BS.
They grow trees on farms takes about 7 yrs to harvest.
Sq. Miles after sq. miles of them. Another lie or maybe they just don’t know what they’re talking about.

How will THEY know I won’t double up on the TP. Maybe federal monitors will be needed. More federal employees equal more Obama votes, that’s how the socialist stay in power.

For a few million I can do a study on what the average roll consumption is per household. All the TP will be Obama controlled much like he wants to control our health care. You can be certain that there will be rash-a-neen.

September 24, 2009 Bobbie Jay writes:

WITH THREE PLY, YOU ONLY NEED ONE SQUARE.
Recycled paper could cause rashes and other health problems…

My God, look where they’re going with this. You really think this is for the better health of the people or is it the environment? If they cared about human life and the environment AT ALL, they would’ve made cigarette manufacturing and sales of, illegal. But they didn’t and it doesn’t matter if they did it tomorrow. It’s ALL ABOUT THE MONEY! AND CONTROL!

September 25, 2009 BTJ, WI writes:

Last week: condoms.
This week: toilet paper.
Next week: prohibition on boiling water. (i.e., water vapor is a greenhouse “pollutant” several times worse than carbon dioxide)

Is nothing sacred, aside from a 2-inch long minnow?

September 25, 2009 Angela, Austin, TX writes:

We can go back to wiping with catalog pages. Of course, now you will have to print them out.

Corn cobs worked back in the day, too. Should be plenty of those around with the biofuel companies.

Hmmmm!

September 25, 2009 Brad L, Phoenix writes:

My suggestion would be newspapers. A fitting end to most of the liberal tripe published in them.

September 25, 2009 Johnny Bagodonuts writes:

Well, for an administration so full of scatological matter, I am sure they are experts in this area. In fact, quite a few of them resemble the part of the body in question. Gotta go, after this, I will be packing for gitmo!

September 25, 2009 ami, PA writes:

America must be the laughingstock of the world. The stupidity of these people knows no bounds. While America goes down, these people worry about how they are going to wipe. The area they are worried about describes them accurately.

September 25, 2009 Jill, California writes:

We could wipe the behinds of every American if we recycle the unread bills from Congress into toilet paper. It would be a fitting use for the sh__ coming out of this administration.

September 25, 2009 Jerry from Chicago writes:

Now the “Greenie Wackos” have gone too far.

The rest of us don’t care if they want to use sandpaper, barbed wire or their shirt sleeves, tell them to “butt out” of our business.

September 25, 2009 Tim Az writes:

Will this be the straw that breaks pelosi’s back? How’s that hope and change working out for you?

September 25, 2009 Tim Az writes:

I have the solution we have an abundance of old growth in the House and Senate. All we need to do is recycle them into toilet paper there by eliminating their carbon foot print and saving the world in the process. That’s hope and change we could be proud of.

September 25, 2009 Johnny Bagodonuts, Brooklyn, NY writes:

September 25, 2009 Phillip Texas writes:

How did we get to this point in the greatest place to live. What a shame we can’t find more important issues to discuss, like freedom,liberty,honor,Land of The Free And The Home Of The BRAVE.

September 25, 2009 DAN MOFFATT NUTLEY,N.J. writes:

HISTORY,WILL RECORD THIS PROPERLY.”THE TOILET TISSUE ADMINISTRATION”.

September 25, 2009 Lynn B. DeSpain writes:

Keep Congress and everyone else out of my bathroom! I am an American, and I have the Right to Bear Arms to protect my bathroom rights of privacy!
Hozro

September 25, 2009 Ben C, Ann Arbor writes:

If this is the last agenda item for these tree huggers then we are in good shape. It is really beyond absurd. Next we will have “fart” tax.

September 25, 2009 Jeanne Stotler, woodbridge, Va writes:

Another Lie, paper comes from trees called slash pine, they grow in the swamps of Georgia, I’ve seen them harvested and the signs say Georgia Pacific. These trees seem to grow fast from what I see when I drive to Fla., these trees are not good for much else, they grow tall but are very small in girth. If these idiots want to change I hope they don’t have Crohn’s or someother problem that requires often wiping, they sure will be sore and bleeding.

September 25, 2009 Bobbie Jay writes:

This state is so social and tax payer paid for the majority that won’t do for themselves, I’m surprised they haven’t come out with a tax increase to subsidize programs on “How to wipe!” Oops, the government might take that one, on.

September 27, 2009 PWIllini84 writes:

How in the name of all that we hold dear in this Great Nation can we allow this to continue? There are so many other issues that require our government’s attention, yet OBUMMER and his socialist CZARS believe they need to control what we use to wipe their twins?

It’s time for America to stand up, demand our government be based on the Constitution and not someone’s personal feelings or what brings tears to their eyes!

September 28, 2009 Lori, Farmington Hills, MI writes:

This reminds me of the story regarding Cuba and their “toilet paper shortage”. Hmmm I wonder where our lovelies got the idea?

September 28, 2009 Randy, Dickinson, ND writes:

IF these people actually practice what they preach, you might want to think twice prior to shaking hands with one of them!

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